Balancing motherhood and lawschool--another balancing post

*Note: This post is a "balancing motherhood with ..." post, but I thought I'd post it anyways. Better late than never, right?*

I found out I was pregnant with my first child during my first week at law school. I also found out, at the same doctor?s visit, that I had mono. Needless to say, I felt a bit overwhelmed. I cried a lot that next week. The dean of students at the law school advised me to defer for a year, or at the very least, to take a lighter load that semester. But I was too stubborn. I was determined to go on with my plans, and my husband supported me. So I started law school. That semester was miserable?I would wake up in the mornings, lie in bed for an hour or so before I had the energy to even sit up (but since I was in law school, I?d study as I lay there, feeling like I was going to vomit and learning about torts), then I would get up, get dressed, throw up, eat breakfast, try really hard not to throw up again, and somehow drag myself the three blocks or so to school. I didn?t get over morning sickness until literally the week before finals. The next semester was slightly better, in that I was no longer (as) morning sick, but since I had recovered from mono, I caught every bug that came through, and each time the cold or flu or whatever it was would last weeks. I made it through the second set of finals somehow, for some reason put myself through the torture of write-on for law review, and a week later, had my first baby. I wasn?t one of those mothers who instantly bonded with her baby, and felt an instant conversion to motherhood. I know women like that, and deep down inside I had always hoped I would be one. But I wasn?t. Don?t get me wrong, I loved my baby. But I felt like I was babysitting someone else?s kid for the first two or three months. I kept wondering when Gideon?s mother would come pick him up, then realize with a start that I was Gideon?s mother. And on top of that, I was hit with a full-fledged case of baby blues. I don?t think it was quite post-partum depression, but it was close. But it wasn?t all sad and depressing. During that summer I didn?t have to worry about law school, and even though fitting in my 10 hours of work a week was a lot more challenging than I had thought it would be with a newborn, I had lots of time with my baby. Slowly we grew accustomed to each other, and I learned how to be a mother. I loved watching his little expressions, playing with him on the living room floor, nursing him, taking him for long walks, or just holding him. We went hiking with him, camping with him, and roadtripping with him, and had all sorts of fun. We discovered that while life with a baby is different than life as just a couple, it is still good.

Once school started again, though, we didn?t really get another break. I was in school full-time that year, then that summer I was working part time for half the summer, and attended school in Oxford the second half of the summer. Jake and Gideon came with me, but of course I had to spend several hours a week studying or in class. Then it was back to school again, this time while I was pregnant with my second. Although the second pregnancy was incomparably better than the first, pregnancy still limits what you can and can?t do with your toddler.

I can tell you, I never expected motherhood while in school to be like this. To be honest, I hadn't really planned on doing the babies-in-school thing. I love school, and I am a fairly driven person, but I had decided a long time ago that when I had kids, I'd be a stay-at-home mom. So?I had originally thought that I would just have my babies, stay home with them like my mom did with me, and when they grew up, I could go to law school and go straight into practice. When I got the prompting to go to law school now, I was a little surprised. This wasn't my plan. And if you do law school, you kind of have to work for at least a few years afterwards as well. But at last, I made a bargain with Heavenly Father (yes, I am a bit of a brat sometimes). I told him, fine, if he wanted me to go to law school now, I?d do it, but I?d always planned on having kids soon after I was married, and I wasn?t planning on changing that, just so he knew.?

So of course, I expected an easy pregnancy and a fat, happy, laid-back baby, because how else would I do law school with kids? Instead, I got a very difficult pregnancy, and a child that, although he was a fairly easy baby, was a live-wire who ever since he was born has been constantly on the move. So law school was a bit of a challenge.I decided, first thing, that I didn?t want my baby to feel like he was second to law school for me. So I tried (not always successfully) to spend as much time with him as I could. This meant missing out on a lot of the law school activities and even ward activities, and spending most of my free time at home. In retrospect, I think I could have done a better job at balancing having a baby and having a social life, but I was doing the best I knew how at the time. I tried to do most of my studying at home as well, even if I was less productive, because it at least made me feel like I was spending time with my baby. My hubby was very supportive, and spent a lot of time taking care of Gideon and doing laundry and dishes and that sort of thing so that I could go to class and study, and because of that I didn?t even need to get a babysitter on a regular basis except during my second-to-last semester. I also had to learn to say no. I have always been the kind of person who likes to do everything and be involved in everything. After having my baby, I had to be very selective about what I would get involved with, even if they were things I would have loved to be a part of or would have really enjoyed, such as being on traveling teams with the school, or being a member of different clubs or groups, or even volunteering to help somebody out. I tried a couple of times, and I learned that I could not do that and keep my sanity. So I learned to really minimalize my life. I?ll be honest, though, it wasn?t always easy. Often I would be supposedly spending time at home with my baby, but I would be surfing the internet or checking facebook or any number of other things because I simply didn?t want to deal with the stress and work of playing with Gideon after dealing with the stress and work of school. Or I would find myself, rather than taking time to enjoy Gideon, I would be searching about for ways to distract him somehow until Jake got home. But I guess that?s part of learning to be a mother?at least, it was for me. I guess the hardest part of doing school with a baby for me was the guilt factor. I felt constantly guilty that I wasn?t a stay-at-home mom, that I had to drop my baby off with friends and family sometimes so I could study or go to class, that I didn?t spend enough time with my husband, that I didn?t spend enough time with my baby, and that I wasn?t a good enough homemaker. It was kind of silly, really?I guess I expected to be able to be superwoman, calmly taking care of children, doing housework and cooking and baking and cleaning, spending lots of quality time with my spouse, and at the same time sailing easily through law school with a quality social life on the side. It didn?t work out that way, and I had to come to terms with what I was doing. I had to realize that I couldn?t do it all, and I should stop expecting myself to do it all. While it would have been nice to be a stay-at-home mom like my mom was and always be there for my baby, it was also healthy for him to develop a strong relationship with his dad and spend time with him, and to spend time with his aunty and uncle, who would babysit for me often. I didn?t have to feel guilty for that. It was ok that I didn?t cook once the semester got underway, or that Jake always did the laundry, or that the house was sometimes a mess and my social life was almost non-existent at times. It was ok that I wasn?t the first one to volunteer for a service project, or that I didn?t always go to ward or school activities. Honestly, I still do feel guilty about it sometimes. I still feel kind of guilty that Gideon?s early childhood was such a crazy whirlwind, that I didn?t get to know a whole bunch of people during my law school years, all sorts of things. But honestly, I think what I did was the right thing. There are things I regret, and things I wish I knew how to balance better. But I?m not sorry I decided to have Gideon and Caleb when I did, nor that I did law school when I did. Now that I?m graduated, my life is a little different. I?m still trying to adjust to it, and to learn to be a mother in this setting rather than in the law school setting. I guess maybe that?s how motherhood is?just when you think you have it figured out, it changes. But I?m excited for this new stage of life. And even though I?m not sure now why I was supposed to go through law school when I did, I?m sure some day I?ll look back on it and understand. As of right now, I?m just trying to take the lessons I?ve learned from it and put them towards being a good mom in my latest stage of life.

Source: http://empoweringldswomen.blogspot.com/2011/05/balancing-motherhood-and-lawschool.html

warfarin how to train your dragon flash mob derrick rose joran van der sloot rpm russell westbrook