On Commitment | Mindful Agony - deafil's posterous

by Corinna Nasonis

Choosing a relationship style that includes ethical, non-monogamy (or, more directly described, multiple committed romantic relationships) presents a few challenges.? One of the persistent questions is related to the nature of commitment in open relationships.? People ask ?how do you know a relationship is real? How serious can it be?without commitment??? I usually wrinkle up my nose, raise my eyebrow quizzically and ask ?I don?t follow. What exactly do you mean?? I?m not trying to be dense.? It has taken me some time to realize the true nature of people?s concern. I think I get it now.? The essence, I think, is this:

Commitment = loyalty = sexual fidelity

I just don?t view things that way.? We think the primary sign of commitment is loyalty as expressed through sexual fidelity.? We reach this stage in relationships when we label the union, boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife.? The expectation then is that we?re ?serious? because we have forsaken all others, at least, temporarily.? But, commitment is only partially glimpsed by these formal arrangements.? There?s a presumed commitment behind them. But, the commitment should exist prior to formalization. It?s kind of like the difference between ritual versus belief in religion. The ritual can reinforce or symbolize a belief.? But, the symbol isn?t the thing.? The ritual isn?t the belief.??They are, however, signals to yourself and others.

So, what is the thing then?? What is commitment???I tend to think of commitment as? wilful acts of love, over time.

Wilful in that it takes both intention and?effort to maintain a relationship. To?maintain and grow a relationship, it takes will ? the willingness?deliberately and actively invest in?the relationship.? Acts?in that it?s something we do (and things we don?t do) every day. These are the words and?behaviors we?say and do in the relationship.??These wilful acts, of course, need to be an expression of love. (Note: a lot of things we do in relationships that we think are expressions of love are as often expressions of fear, guilt, aversion, etc. and not love. Jealous?behavior being a prime example) Finally, we show commitment by repeatedly doing these things over time.? These daily wilful acts of love neither require or are created by those ceremonies, formalities or specific agreements to codify our commitment ? so that we can refer to it as something ?real? (e.g., husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, primary/secondary, etc.).

Whether you?re in a monogamous relationship, in an open relationship or single and dating, the quality and depth of your relationships will be determined by your level of investment.? The underlying worry is that if you?re not sexually monogamous that you?re tempting fate? you?re setting the table for your partner to fall in love with another and leave you at the first sign of trouble.? It seems to me that relying on sexual fidelity as the bulwark against losing your partner is a false refuge.? It seems as likely to happen in monogamy as anywhere else.? If not, the legion of sad songs about betrayel and heartbreak would have never been written.? They wouldn?t resonate with a ready audience with tears in their eyes.

We too often put these?rules?and arrangements?in?a privileged place ahead of the underlying ?wilful acts of love? that actually build and maintain?a?growing, dynamic relationship?in the first place. Commitment, as such, is not a specific set of agreements but a set of actions that move to maintain, reinforce and grow the relationship over time versus those that detract from it. That?s real commitment.

This view of commitment is perfectly compatible with a fully open relationship.??The task is?having a good understanding of?what wilful acts of love will feed?your particular union ? without assuming that they will be the same for every relationship or even the same in the same relationship over time.

I am: Intellectually curious, absent-minded, quick to laugh, a runner, poly, serious about cars, fascinated by my kids, frustrated by my limitations, humbled by the world around me... and I am deeply engaged in making things work - better.

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